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Handsome Carver – The Lost Founding Father

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Handsome Carver is best known for his peanut butter, and though his reputation as history’s greatest peanut butter producer is well deserved, his contributions to the birth of our country have been forgotten over time.  Because of this forgotten legacy, historians often refer to Handsome Carver as the Lost Founding Father.

Handsome Carver was well known as a vocal opponent to the British Peanut Butter Tax in the years leading up to the Revolution, but became a national hero in 1778 when he trekked across the Pennsylvania wilderness during winter to provide George Washington and his troops with much needed sustenance at Valley Forge.

After the war ended, Handsome Carver briefly considered running for election as the first American President, but when it became clear that he would run unopposed as no one was willing to challenge him, he decided it would be healthier for the young nation to hold elections rather than crown a king.  He convinced his friend George Washington to run instead and our democracy was born.

Handsome Carver left a great impact on Ben Franklin as well.  While the two friends were sitting down for breakfast one day, Handsome Carver noticed Ben Franklin repeatedly taking off his glasses to eat his peanut butter and putting them back on to see across the table.  When Handsome Carver suggested the concept of bifocals, Franklin was overjoyed with the idea of how much faster he’d be able to eat his peanut butter.  Recognizing Handsome Carver’s genius, Franklin would often shadow him, recording his many thoughts and sayings, which would later become the basis for Poor Richard’s Almanac.  Consistent with his desire to remove himself from the limelight however, Handsome Carver suggested that Franklin remove all references to peanut butter so that the public would not suspect him of being the book’s author.

Handsome Carver’s legacy as a Founding Father was further concealed when the British burned the White House in 1814.  Of all the portraits hanging in the White House, only Handsome Carver’s was destroyed.  Historians suspect that it had become a tradition for new Presidents to coat the frame of Handsome Carver’s portrait with peanut butter, and it was this peanut butter that melted into the portrait with the heat of the flames, destroying it before it could be salvaged by Dolly Madison.

He declined to sit for a new portrait after calculating how much peanut butter he could have produced while sitting for his first portrait.  The results horrified him, so he decided to paint his own self portrait instead.

faceThe self portrait which survives today

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Handsome Carver and March Madness

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March Madness is in full swing and Handsome Carver is well on his way to another perfect bracket (#15 Middle Tennessee State over #2 Michigan State was the first outcome he filled in this year).

It was Handsome Carver himself who in 1938 helped create our national obsession with the College Basketball Tournament and our brackets.  At that point in history, the NCAA was the governing body of collegiate basketball, but did not award National Championships.  In protest, Handsome Carver created his own championship tournament matching the top 8 teams and awarding the winning team a lifetime supply of his peanut butter.  To this day, the surviving members of the 1938 Stanford basketball team eat an average of two jars per week. The following year, the NCAA stole Handsome Carver’s idea and created their own championship tournament.

Handsome Carver and the NCAA had a falling out in the 1960’s when it was determined that the value of the peanut butter Handsome Carver provided to all athletes participating in the tournament was high enough to be considered payment, and thus illegal for the student-athletes to accept.

Since then, because of Handsome Carver’s uncanny abilities in picking winners, the NCAA has banned Handsome Carver from releasing his bracket until the tournament has concluded over worries that it would negatively affect TV ratings if the outcomes of the games are already known to the public.  In 2007, Handsome Carver revealed he chooses his winners based on the teams’ consumption of his peanut butter (though only Handsome Carver himself has access to those figures).

Despite the past tensions between himself and the NCAA Handsome Carver still looks forward to March every year, this year being no exception.  He will be watching intently despite knowing already that (redacted) will defeat (redacted) in the championship game on April 4th by a thrilling final score of (redacted) to (redacted).

 

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Handsome Carver in his playing days

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Handsome Carver and Albert Einstein

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Today, in honor of one of his closest friends and best customers’ birthday, Handsome Carver is saluting Albert Einstein, who was born on this day in 1879.

Though Einstein credited Handsome Carver’s peanut butter with providing him the energy and mental stimulation needed for many of his scientific breakthroughs, he also blamed Handsome Carver for one of the only mathematical mistakes he ever made in his career.  As other notable figures can attest, peanut butter as good as Handsome Carver’s often leads to distraction and lack of focus.

For the first several years of the 20th century, Einstein worked tirelessly on his theory of mass-energy equivalence.  Since Einstein would often be so absorbed in his calculations, eating was not always front and center in his mind.  Handsome Carver supplied him with an unlimited supply of peanut butter in the hopes of fueling the great scientist and assisting in his revolutionary work.

Finally, in 1905 his work was completed and ready to be reviewed by the scientific community.  The embarrassing blunder occurred when he submitted his paper and included the formula E=PB.  His fellow scientists had no issue in his assertion of the quality of Handsome Carver’s peanut butter, but failed to see how it related to theoretical physics.  Einstein corrected the error, and it remains one of the single blights on his otherwise illustrious career.

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Einstein realizes his mistake

 

 

Click here to make the same mistake as Einstein
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Handsome Carver’s Secret History with The Golden Gate Bridge

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The Golden Gate Bridge is one of the most recognizable landmarks in the United States, and the symbol of San Francisco.  Yet few know of the Golden Gate’s troubled history, and how, if not for Handsome Carver working from behind the scenes, construction may have been canceled in its planning stages.

From the outset, bitter battles were fought over the proposed bridge’s construction, design and location.  Engineers fought citizens, citizens fought politicians, and politicians fought fellow politicians.  Hospitals in San Francisco began to fill up due to the increasing violence.  Eventually, in 1932, Governor James Rolph called for a summit, a last ditch effort to save the idea of the bridge.

Because Handsome Carver’s Peanut Butter was the single common ground each faction could agree upon, Handsome Carver himself was invited to the summit.  With everyone calmed by his delicious peanut butter, cooler heads prevailed.  Compromises were reached and plans were agreed upon.  Only one decision remained: the bridge’s color.  More violence broke out as an acceptable color could not be found.  Finally, an Urban Planner grabbed a jar of Handsome Carver’s Chipotle Peanut Butter and smashed it over the head of a State Senator during a heated argument.  The crowd was silent as they watched the beautiful reddish-orange peanut butter drip from his head, then erupted in cheers.  The Chipotle Peanut Butter color was chosen and history was made.

To this day, in celebration of his role in the bridge’s construction, Handsome Carver measures his sales based on how much of his peanut butter would cover the Golden Gate Bridge.  Though it is not generally accepted accounting principles, the IRS has grandfathered in the practice.

The Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, CA at sunset.

22% Bridge Coverage so far in 2016

 

To see the Chipotle Peanut Butter for yourself

 

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Handsome Carver at the Movies

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Handsome Carver has always been a fan of movies, ever since the first “moving pictures” became popular in the early 20th century.  After watching the Academy Awards this past Sunday, Handsome Carver has been reminiscing about his own involvement in the history of cinema.  Unfortunately, Handsome Carver refuses to visit any movie productions, due to the chaos his presence has caused in the past.

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Hitchcock pleading with Perkins to say the correct line

In 1960, Handsome Carver stopped by the set of Psycho to visit his good friend Alfred Hitchcock.  He brought enough peanut butter for the entire cast and crew.  Anthony Perkins, the actor who portrayed Norman Bates, was several minutes late, and by the time he arrived Hitchcock had finished nearly all of the peanut butter.  In protest, Perkins refused to say the line “A boy’s best friend is his mother,” instead repeatedly changing it to “a boy’s best friend is his peanut butter.”  Production was delayed a day until Handsome Carver could return with more peanut butter.

In 1974, Al Pacino invited Handsome Carver to the set of the Godfather Part II.  The day before Handsome Carver’s arrival, Pacino mistakenly repeated the line “Keep your friends close but your peanut butter closer.” Production once again had to be delayed a day until Pacino could concentrate on something other than peanut butter.

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A crew member teasing Anthony Hopkins with peanut butter

Handsome Carver tried one more time to visit a set in 1991 when Sir Anthony Hopkins requested Handsome Carverprovide the catering for the movie.  The idea was scrapped when on the first day, Hopkins continually changed his line to “I ate his liver with peanut butter and a nice jar of peanut butter.”  Hopkins nearly refused to wear the famous mask due to the fact he wouldn’t be able to eat any of Handsome Carver’s peanut butter.  A compromise was reached and the inside of the mask was coated with peanut butter.

 

Today, Handsome Carver’s policy is to never send peanut butter to movie sets–only to the homes of actors and directors.

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The Secret Life of Handsome Carver

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We all know and love Handsome Carver’s Peanut Butter, but how much do any of us actually know about the man behind the peanut butter?  Handsome Carver has been a constant presence throughout American history yet he is rarely even mentioned in our history textbooks.  Here are a few little known facts about this little known historical figure:

He refuses to give his exact age or place of birth

Generations of historians have unsuccessfully tried tracing Handsome Carver’s date and place of birth.  The only thing they can agree upon is that his first appearance in historical record was in Colonial America when he led the protests against the British Peanut Butter Tax.

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                      The proposed bill

He was almost on the $20 bill

In 1928 Congress voted to put Handsome Carver’s face on the $20 bill.  He declined the honor and Andrew Jackson was chosen instead.

He attributes his abnormally long life span to his diet

Handsome Carver doesn’t guarantee it will give everyone a multi century lifespan, but he believes eating his peanut butter 3 meals a day is his key to good health.

He lives his life on the cutting edge of fashion

Handsome Carver caused a stir when he was the first man to sport both a mustache and a boutonniere in public.   Many women (and some men) fainted on the streets.  There happened to be a heat wave at the time, so doctors at the time mistakenly blamed the rash of faintings on heat stroke.

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             Image from a deleted scene

He was part of the inspiration for “Forrest Gump”

Even though their personalities are very different, Forrest Gump‘s talent for being present at significant historical events was based on the countless events Handsome Carver has been present for and participated in.  In fact, the original line was meant to be “Momma always said life was like a mixed case of Handsome Carver’s Peanut Butter…You never know what you’re gonna get.”  Handsome Carver requested the line be changed to protect his anonymity similar to his reluctance to be on the $20 bill.

Only a select group of family, friends and world leaders know the location of Handsome Carver’s workshop

Because his peanut butter recipes and methods are priceless, Handsome Carver tightly guards the location of his workshop.  After World War II, at the Yalta Conference, Joseph Stalin demanded the location be made public.  Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill,  negotiating on Handsome Carver’s behalf came up with a compromise: the location would remain classified and Stalin would control East Berlin.

Handsome Carver's Highest Accomplishment

Handsome Carver Drinking Coconut

3 Reasons Why Coconut Is an Awesome Superfood

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Because Handsome Carver has always been a fitness and nutrition nut, today he is focusing on the many health benefits of coconuts.

In many parts of the world, coconuts are a dietary staple which have allowed local populations to survive and thrive for many generations.  The Tokelauans, for example, who live in the South Pacific, eat over 60% of their calories from coconuts and despite being the biggest consumers of saturated fat in the world, are in general in excellent health and have low rates of heart disease.

Check out this impressive list of what coconuts can do for you:

Coconut oil has exploded in popularity over the past decade as a “superfood,” and with good reason.  Not only can coconut oil aid in weight loss by increasing the body’s metabolic rate causing you to burn more energy, but it also helps to reduce your hunger.  Coconuts are packed with Medium Chain Triglycerides (MCT)  which have been repeatedly shown to reduce hunger and calorie consumption.

Coconut oil is also an anti-oxidizing agent. A study published in Food and Function, of the Royal Society of Chemistry, shows that virgin coconut oil prevents oxidative stress, thus keeping your cells healthy and fighting their deterioration.

Coconut

If you want to get on the coconut bandwagon but aren’t sure how to incorporate it in your daily diet, just grab a jar of Handsome Carver’s Coconut Peanut Butter or Coconut Cashew Butter!  They’re both loaded with coconut and coconut oil, and have just a hint of coconut sugar.Handsome Carver's Coconut Peanut Spread Organic

 

 

Let's see it!

Sources:
www.nutrition.org
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
www.organicfacts.net
http://healthimpactnews.com/2013/study-traditional-virgin-coconut-oil-high-in-antioxidants-reduces-oxidative-stress/#sthash.n9JhOKyD.dpuf

Mr. and Mrs. Handsome Carver

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With Valentine’s Day approaching, Handsome Carver is sending a message of love, gratitude and devotion to his lovely and beautiful wife Mrs. Carver.  Though it may be his name attached to the famous peanut butter, Handsome Carver knows that without Mrs. Carver standing by his side as he mixes every batch his products would lack the magic which make them so delectable.

Since she doesn’t get the credit she deserves, Handsome Carver would like to share a picture of his beautiful wife with the world.  Mrs. Carver is notoriously shy and has never liked publicizing photos of herself due to fear that her beauty would inspire jealousy in many of Handsome Carver’s customers.  On this special Valentine’s week, however, Handsome Carver is filled with love and pride that he has no choice but to share Mrs. Carver’s beauty with the world:

mrscarver

 

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Handsome Carver Was There: The Birth of Football

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With the approach of Superbowl 50, Handsome Carver fondly remembers the beginnings of the great game of football.  The Superbowl may only be 50 years old, but football itself dates back nearly 150 years, and Handsome Carver was there as the game was making its glorious transition away from rugby and soccer to the game we love today.

Handsome Carver was instrumental in providing the game’s first players with the energy they needed to play the full 70 minutes*,   and even officiated many of the early matches.

*The games were reduced to 60 minutes in 1906, possibly due to a peanut shortage that year which caused a scarcity in peanut butter—without the needed energy from peanut butter, the athletes requested a 10 minute reduction in game time.

Untitled-2As the game evolved Handsome Carver was privileged to mentor many of the most important figures in the game.  Vince Lombardi for example, credited much of his coaching success to Handsome Carver:quotewit.blogspot.com

 

“Peanut Butter isn’t everything, it’s the only thing”
-Vince Lombardi
(Often misquoted as “[winning] isn’t everything…”)

Handsome Carver continues to closely follow the game of football (though he still hasn’t made his mind up about the “forward pass”) and is excitedly awaiting the game on Sunday.

On Superbowl Sunday, make sure you honor tradition by cracking open a jar of Handsome Carver’s delicious peanut butter.

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